The state at the very pinnacle of the list? Blood-red Utah!
Other top contenders consist of the following states, all playpens of lust featuring a deep scarlet pigment: Mississippi, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana.
My gut hunch* is that the most prolific consumers of on-line porn consist of a cohort I refer to as "Harrumphing Old White Dudes". These folks share some common traits; (1) they don't like unions, (2) they hate big government, and (3) they particularly detest That Socialist from Kenya Who Lives at the White House. (So you know how they're gonna vote). But they love their on-line porn! They simply can't ever get enough of that visual whoopie!**
Here's my proposal: The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee will need to get involved. Their task will be to marshal the resources of the eighty most popular premium pornography websites in the nation. Next on the agenda? Organize a Free Premium Porn Day. Arrange for pop-up ads on all major sites. Those Harrumphing Old White Dudes will get wind of it just as soon as you can say Tiffany and Her Barnyard Pals! The date? Tuesday, November 4th, of course --- which, by sheer coincidence, just happens to be the date of the midterm elections this year.
Here's what I envision. As soon as that calendar flips to the Fourth Day of November, all those porn-lovin', Obama-hatin' Harrumphing Old White Dudes will be hot to trot! At the crack o' dawn, they'll be glued to their computer screens. Remember now! --- Eighty premium websites! Free from dawn 'til dusk! They can have it all, and by gum, they will have it all!
Once all them Harrumphing Old White Dudes recover their poise long enough to take a break from their non-stop ogling, they'll look out the window. Dag-nab it, it's dark out! They'll check the time: Holy moley, it's seven o'clock! The polls have just closed! Thousand names of the devil! They've forgotten to cast their ballots!
The election results come pouring in. Fast forward to 11:03 PM, Eastern Standard Time. Every major network has declared victory for the Democrats. Seventeen Congressional seats needed to flip in order for the Democrats to regain a House majority: That's exactly what they got! All because thousands and thousands of porn-lovin', Obama-hatin', Harrumphing Old White Dudes couldn't tear themselves away from their pornographic whoopie long enough to vote. Mission accomplished!
Hey, it's worth a shot, don't ya think?
Here's what I envision. As soon as that calendar flips to the Fourth Day of November, all those porn-lovin', Obama-hatin' Harrumphing Old White Dudes will be hot to trot! At the crack o' dawn, they'll be glued to their computer screens. Remember now! --- Eighty premium websites! Free from dawn 'til dusk! They can have it all, and by gum, they will have it all!
Once all them Harrumphing Old White Dudes recover their poise long enough to take a break from their non-stop ogling, they'll look out the window. Dag-nab it, it's dark out! They'll check the time: Holy moley, it's seven o'clock! The polls have just closed! Thousand names of the devil! They've forgotten to cast their ballots!
The election results come pouring in. Fast forward to 11:03 PM, Eastern Standard Time. Every major network has declared victory for the Democrats. Seventeen Congressional seats needed to flip in order for the Democrats to regain a House majority: That's exactly what they got! All because thousands and thousands of porn-lovin', Obama-hatin', Harrumphing Old White Dudes couldn't tear themselves away from their pornographic whoopie long enough to vote. Mission accomplished!
Hey, it's worth a shot, don't ya think?
* If Congressman Darrell Issa can rely on his gut, I guess I can, too. (See the post on this blog dated 6/8/13: Chairman Issa's Digestive Tract is Working Overtime).
** Also eyeball an earlier post from 7/20/12: Repressed Feelings in Romneyland: Just Gotta Have It.
** Also eyeball an earlier post from 7/20/12: Repressed Feelings in Romneyland: Just Gotta Have It.
Dan, this was funny, really, but alas, I don't think porn will distract enough right wing nuthatches to secure the U.S. House and Senate for the Democrats (--ergo, democracy?) I find fault all around me, so I guess Spiro Agnew was right, some of us ARE Nattering Nabobs of Negativity--such realities DESERVE to be negatived, I feel sure. P.S.: I saw an article in the New Scientist about this; shocking hypocrisy, what else is new??
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