A few years back, a survey fielded by the Harvard Business School concluded that the greatest demand for pornographic ogling per capita is concentrated in the red states --- especially the ones with heavy concentrations of evangelicals.
The state at the very pinnacle of the list? Blood-red Utah! Other top contenders consist of the following states, all playpens of lust featuring a deep scarlet pigment: Mississippi, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana.
It's probably safe to assume that repressed old white dudes comprise the bulk of this cohort of on-line oglers. They might hate big government, and detest that socialist from Kenya who lives at the White House, but they sure do love their on-line porn. They can't ever get enough of that visual whoopie!*
I have a plan! The various Democratic campaign committees should assume an active funding and organizing role. Their task would be to avail themselves of the services of the nation's eighty most popular premium porno sites. Next on the agenda? Declare a Free Premium Porn Day. The date? Why Tuesday, November 8th, of course! By sheer coincidence, that just happens to be the day of this year's elections.
Here's what I envision. Get all those porn-lovin' ol' white dudes wired up, with pop-up ads on the major sites a week in advance. Once that calendar flips to the Eighth Day of November, they'll all be hot to trot, welded to their computer screens at the crack o'dawn. Remember now! Eighty premium websites! --- enough to keep them transfixed from dawn 'til dusk. They can have it all, and by gum they're gonna git it all!
Once they recover their poise long enough to take a break from their non-stop ogling, they'll gaze out the window. Dag-nab it, it's dark out! They'll check the time: Oh lord, it's seven o'clock! The polls have just closed! Thousand names of the devil! They forgot to cast their ballots!
The election results come pouring in. Fast forward to 11:00 PM Eastern Standard Time. Every major network has declared a clear sweep for the Democrats: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and both houses of Congress. All because thousands upon thousands of porn-lovin', pervy ol' pale dudes couldn't tear themselves away from their visual whoopie long enough to vote. Mission accomplished.
Hey, it's worth a shot, don't ya think?
*Also eyeball an earlier post on this blog from 7/20/12:
Repressed Feelings in Romneyland: Just Gotta Have It.
way to go Dan. It just might work.
ReplyDeleteway to go Dan. It just might work.
ReplyDelete